Say Goodnight Odis

Hello Lovelies

So, here's a post for those who might want to know more about who i am as this is my Opening night on this blog! When i was about 12 it all really hit me, the depression, the eating disorder, and i didn't know at the time, but when my DID set in, Its hard lately to remember things i did back then, doctors say that's just sometimes what happens when you get healthy, you can't really remember that person at all. i'm sure some of you have been there. you wake up one day, and its just better, life sucks, but you don't feel suicidal. and the person you were before you woke up feels like a different person.a blur,with eating disorders its a little different, i didn't know i had an eating disorder until the day four years ago,my stomach shut down, and i'm still recovering from that.Eating disorders stick with you, making you unsure of everything you see.

So,

I suppose that's where the real story starts, I have diagnosed and mostly treated Dissociative  Identity Disorder, but at the time, my disorder made my illnesses become parts of me, so when it came to getting healthy, I lost personalities I had gained to represent how i was feeling. 

I woke up one day,

and i really had no idea who I was before that day.

It was terrifying.

But the doctors said it was okay. 
But one of the worst parts about treatment was trying to get back into my life,I didnt know what to say or do, i couldnt be sociol.I still havent fully gotten to the point where i can communicate with old friends.kind of feels like you are missing a part of your life. So this is like the beginning for me. im finally free.

A little bit of me

So this week, i'm broke, i'm cold, and i'm in a dark mind set...we've all had those days, i have those weeks, my bestfriend has self-destructed, my boyfriend can be an inconsiderate jerk some days. and i'm alone in my loss of things to do. I've never been a happy person to be honest. I'm cynical. i don't trust. 

But..

unfortunately sometimes we can't just rely on ourselves.

i've been depressed since I started grade seven,

I wont lie, it takes a long time to ever feel normal.

when I turn 20 in December, it will be nine years.

And I've healed from the past.

Its the present I worry about now.

But i'm not depressed anymore

just tired.

How'd we get here?

 I suppose if anyone decides to find and share my blog, could be messy, but everyone has a blog. Lets start this off most recently, well semi recent, A year ago wednesday i tried to take my life, i didn't tell anyone, a friend took me to the hospital, and once they knew i was alive, left, i'll always remember that night, as one of my worst.They were scared my Liver was failing,MY first of three nights was spent pumping nutrients into my veins while the dilution serum tried to save my liver by making me 
throw up continuously. the  nutrients going through my 

veins burned like hell,but the doctors couldn't help with 

that.  i didn't tell my friends or my family, i figured  i'd just move on from it, my family would make it about them, and my "friends" are the reason i ended up that far, i never got a text or call from any of my family or friends in the few days in hospital, i felt so alone and cried alot but noone even noticed i was gone, i guess things like this have a way of eating away at you, so i figured i'd put it out there, so someone knew. nothing has changed in the last year, but i have, surrounded be twenty year olds with no morale clock, while ive been an adult for so long, its like there is nothing left.
I'm stronger now,

This is ducky.

I got him that day.

Because ducks don't let rough

waters get them down.

tis only the beginning

You know those day you can feel the mental breakdown coming down, when your body shakes and you feel like everything is falling apart for no reason. and there's this pressure in your head, makes you feel like you want to explode...maybe a blog will help, maybe it will be more of a loss....time will tell